


Not Quite The Endgame

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 19:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: Chakotay marries Seven and begins to realise that he has made a terrible mistake within hours of the wedding. Written from Chakotay's POV.Setting: Post-Endgame





	Not Quite The Endgame

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been very kind to Seven in this piece.  
> I seem to like stories where Chakotay stares into the abyss.

It’s rare, even in the twenty-fourth century, for the best man at the wedding to be a woman, but why wouldn’t I choose her? After all, she has been my best friend for over seven years. We’d faced so much together in the Delta Quadrant, lived together, laughed together, almost died together. It would have been unthinkable not to have her play some important role at the ceremony. So I asked her to carry the rings, stand beside me just as I’ve stood beside her so many times, make a speech…she’d be good at that. She protested when I asked her. Tried to field all sorts of excuses to get out of it, but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Of course, it never dawned on my dull imagination that it might just be asking the unconscionable. That it might nearly destroy her to stand by my side and watch me marry someone else. 

She’d said she was truly happy for me. I’d seen so little of her, that it crossed my mind that she might not have approved of my new relationship. So I’d asked her and she’d volubly given her blessing. I only wish now I’d probed further…uncovered the heartache that lay just below the surface. Remembered the promise that I’d always stay at her side and the ethereal hope that we’d explore the tendrils of our relationship when we got home. I’m an idiot where women are concerned. I can freely admit now that my head was turned, and not for the first time. I was intoxicated and giddy from the flattering attention of a young and nubile venus, basking in the envy of many of my colleagues. Strutting around like a peacock in his finery and enjoying the ego trip. Too drunk on testosterone to notice the derision of others. B’Elanna had been the only one to voice her disapproval, but, like a fool, I ignored her. 

Kathryn had missed the rehearsal dinner. No amount of persuasion could make her agree to attend. She was rather conveniently off-world for the evening, but she swore she would arrive in good time for the ceremony. I glanced at the chronometer… she was already late. Very late. It really wasn’t like her. I stood in front of the mirror, nervously adjusting my cravat. I could have done with her gentle encouraging voice just now. Maybe her hand would rest momentarily on my chest or impart a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder. I reached for my jacket, swung it on and smoothed it down. I looked good. But did I look good enough to be marrying a woman nearly nineteen years younger than me? A few doubts flickered across my consciousness, but I pushed them away. This was not the moment for them. My bride was eager enough. Really she had pushed for early nuptials, denying me any intimacy until they were concluded. 

I studied my portrait in the mirror, brushing a stray hair from the shoulder of my jacket. Yes, I would just have to do. My eyes fell to the roses lying on the dresser. I lifted one and tried to fix it to my lapel with little success, stabbing myself several times in the process. The other was for the ‘best man’. _Damn! Where was Kathryn when you needed her? She should be doing this for me._ After several attempts, the rose sat on my lapel at a curious angle, and I decided that it was the best I could manage. Moving over to my terminal, I checked my messages. Nothing from Kathryn. I called B’Elanna, who knew nothing either. My panic must have shown, because she offered to send Tom to escort me to my wedding. I was so desperate that I accepted gratefully. It was only a few minutes before I would need to leave for the transporter station. 

The irony of it! Tom Paris as my stand-in best man! The man whom I couldn’t stand for years, but had to tolerate to indulge Kathryn. Dim memories of his treachery still curled through me occasionally, but he has matured and grown into a worthy young man, I have to admit. He soon soothed my anxiety and organised replication of substitute rings. (Kathryn had the intricately fashioned rings we'd had crafted by the artisans of Dorvan and engraved with our names entwined on the inside.) So I gave Kathryn’s rose to Tom and together we left for the ceremony. As I closed the door on my temporary bachelor apartment, I remember beginning to feel angry at Kathryn for letting me down. Maybe she’d never intended to turn up. Maybe she really didn’t approve of my marrying Seven. Tom wouldn’t hear a word of it. He worshipped Kathryn Janeway. So had I…once. She would never have missed this without good reason. 

When we entered the ceremonial hall, there were already a number of people waiting around. They were nearly all our colleagues from Voyager. Whom else did I know? Hushed voices whispered their confusion. Where was our former Captain? A few asked me, but I knew no more than they. Gradually the hall filled, and Tom and I took our places at the front. As the music struck up, silence fell and all faces turned to the door. Naomi Wildman stepped carefully down the aisle, her face alight with pleasure. Behind her came a vision in white on the arm of the Doctor. Poor man. This was probably hitting him hard. My eyes swept over Seven. She was looking serene, wearing a close fitting long dress which rose high in the neck and had long sleeves, like a glorified version of her catsuit. The Doctor had helped design it, and he’d done a good job. 

She reached me and we smiled at each other, relaxing just a little. She raised one eyebrow at Tom standing beside me, but no words were exchanged. The presiding officer began his speeches and our promises were made. We were just about a third of the way through, when the door at the back of the hall opened with a disturbing creak and all eyes turned again in curiosity. The audience gave a collective gasp of shock as Kathryn strode in, making her way purposefully up the aisle. I glared at her, whilst her footsteps echoed in the expectant silence. The slight limp escaped my notice, so wrapped was I in my own irritation. As she drew close, I saw her hair was in disarray and her uniform scorched. There were cuts and bruises on her face, one noticeably large gash on her left temple. For a moment, I felt very annoyed at this intrusion. _What right had she to come striding in so disruptively at this late stage, having let me down so badly earlier? And why had she come looking little better than a tramp?_

Reaching the front, her eyes cast about as if to assess how far the ceremony had gone. She apologised profusely for her appearance and for being late. Then she held out two rings in a shaky hand. 

"I think you’ll be needing these," she said. We all stood stock still, dumbfounded for a moment, and no-one made a move to retrieve them from her, so she reached her hand a little further forward. Suddenly the rings clattered to the floor, one of them wheeling in a long arc the width of the room. _Spirits, I asked her to do one simple thing for me on my wedding day, and she even mucks that up._ I looked back at her angrily and I glimpsed her glazed eyes, as her legs began to buckle and she dropped to the ground in a dead faint. Seven stood looking on open-mouthed with horror. There was a glint of annoyance in her eyes, as if at any moment she could have stamped her foot petulantly on the floor. I felt a mixture of confusion and panic grip me. My earlier anger was rapidly dissipating. The Doctor, the only one to come to his senses, was quickly at Kathryn’s side assessing her status. As he bent over her, a second figure came hurling through the door in Starfleet uniform, and staggered up the aisle, gasping for air. When the man reached the focal point of our unfolding drama, he addressed the players. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the intrusion." He assessed Kathryn quickly with concerned eyes, but registered at once that she was in the Doctor’s capable hands. "We tried very hard to persuade the Admiral to go straight to hospital," he continued breathlessly, "but she insisted on coming here first. Said she’d promised to be here, and nothing was going to stop her. I’m afraid there was an explosion aboard the shuttle she was travelling on, and the rescue operation has taken all night. If you don’t mind, I’ll get her transported to a medical facility straight away?" He looked at me expectantly. I numbly nodded my acceptance of this and he called up a transporter station. Within moments they had both vanished. We stood frozen for a few seconds longer, staring blankly at the empty space where Kathryn had been. Then we pulled ourselves together and turned back towards our presiding minister, dumbly wondering what to do next. Tom broke the spell by calmly going and collecting the two errant rings…our original two rings. The celebrant cleared his throat, called everyone to attention and continued with the proceedings. A few minutes later we were united as man and wife. By the time I was slipping the ring on Seven’s finger, my heart was heavy and my head clouded with anxiety about Kathryn. It was an inauspicious start to our marriage. 

I wanted to go straight away to the medical facility, to check on Kathryn’s progress, but Seven was having none of it. Kathryn had, in her view, already ruined her wedding and stolen the limelight. She wasn’t going to let her spoil the rest of the day. So we went back to the hotel and did our best to enjoy the reception. The atmosphere however was somewhat muted. I wasn’t the only one worried about Kathryn’s state of health. B’Elanna did manage to make contact with Kathryn’s mother and establish that, although it would take a while, she was expected to make a full recovery. It was some sort of relief to those of us who would rather have been at her bedside seeing it for ourselves. Eventually the subdued party ended, the guests departed quietly and Seven and I were left alone to begin our married life. 

* * *

  


Even now, nearly two years later, the horror of our wedding night almost makes me retch. If I had been forewarned, if I had prepared myself, it might have been different, but Seven never told me. She agreed afterwards that she should have done so, but she was afraid of my reaction. It’s probably why she insisted on our waiting to be married before becoming intimate. Oh, I wasn’t exactly initiating her in the art of lovemaking…she had practised on the holodeck. Rather a lot it seems…with a hologram of me. I would have been outraged, if I’d known at the time. Moreover, my hologram is apparently a better lover than I am. He does things perfectly to Seven’s exacting specifications. He thinks her body is incredible, whatever form she chooses to give herself, and is not the least bit shocked when she appears in her normal body and he discovers so little beneath the suit is genuine. When you peel off her suit, which is a difficult enough enterprise in itself (and she doesn’t have to wear it on the holodeck), you find that there are far more of the Borg implants still in place than you would imagine. And some of them scratch you in the most delicate of places. Holograms, of course, are immune to this. 

But worst of all I found that instead of breasts she had dome-shaped structures of titanium, with all the sexual allure of shiny boot caps. And no nipples! The Borg have no need of such things, and somebody, at some time, had fashioned the replacements, either the Borg or the Doctor or a combination of both, with their own warped idea of the perfect female form. The exaggerated hour-glass figure made perfect sense now! She told me that the Doctor had assured her that any man who loved her would be able to overlook such minor imperfections. She was absolutely right, of course. It took all my self control not to show my disgust, and even with my making the most supreme effort, there was no way of hiding the fact that I found the whole thing a great turn off. Some part of me felt cheated. There are probably some men in the world who would find this all rather stimulating…but I wasn’t one of them. So I spent most of the night reassuring her of my love for her, that none of this was her fault, all of it was mine. That my body’s inability to perform at its best was my problem and that we just needed time to work it out. No, our wedding night was a major disappointment to both of us. 

The next day, I really did have to insist that I visited Kathryn. We only had a few hours before departing for our honeymoon, and Seven refused to let me go alone. Perhaps it was the first time that I suspected that her motivation was not concern for Kathryn, rather an unwillingness to let us alone together. With hindsight I can wonder if she knew more about my feelings than I did myself at the time. 

Kathryn was lying on a bed looking a good deal better than she had the day before. There was more colour in her cheeks and the gash on her forehead had been repaired. Her eyes sparkled when she saw us approach, and she greeted us with a huge grin. She assured us she was feeling a lot better…on the mend, so to speak. She apologised for missing the wedding and causing such a scene in the middle of it. We both assured her that it didn’t matter. At least Seven had gotten over her bitterness of the day before. 

She told us all about the accident. She had been travelling back to earth on a shuttle transport, when one of the impulse engines had exploded, rupturing bulkheads, sending sparks and debris everywhere. She had been trapped for a long time under fallen material with several cracked ribs and concussion. She’d been lucky. Two other passengers and one crewman had died. It had taken six hours for a rescue ship to reach them, and she’d only received a cursory medical examination before transporting to the wedding. 

In return, Kathryn insisted we gave a blow by blow account of our wedding. I said precious little. Seven was more than willing to furnish the details in all their glory. Anyone would have thought it had been the perfect wedding. Kathryn absorbed the tale with happy satisfaction, clearly pleased that we’d had such a wonderful day. And she wished us a joyous and happy honeymoon. The woman positively radiated her warmth towards us. No-one would have guessed that inside her heart was breaking. 

As we stood to take our leave, she told us she loved us both. We each stooped to kiss her on the cheek. Kathryn squeezed my hand. There was more love in that simple hand gesture than Seven could ever express with her entire body. It was probably at that moment that it hit me. I had made a most dreadful mistake. I had turned away from the infinite richness of true affection to chase an illusion, and I would regret it for the rest of my life. Moreover, there was no point in blaming anybody else but myself. Kathryn may have held herself distant from me, for reasons I mostly understood, but it was I who made the choice in the end. The choice not to pursue the difficult path…to fight for something precious but elusive…but instead to fall easily into the jaws of a flattering relationship that was snapping at my heels. 

Something of my agony may have shown on my face, for Seven visibly paled. She then asked for a moment to speak to Kathryn alone. I waited outside, trembling within my self-inflicted emotional vortex, wondering what Seven was saying to my dearest friend. Seven emerged all business-like and marched me off along the corridor, out of the building and into the harsh reality of the rest of our lives. She refused to tell me what she had said to Kathryn. We left immediately for Vulcan. 

* * *

  


The next few months dragged slowly. Back on earth, Seven and I settled into some semblance of a comfortable relationship. There were moments of camaraderie, but not that many. With hind-sight I can say that we were not particularly suited to each other. 

Seven had breast reconstruction because she accepted that it mattered to me. The result was something probably representative of the Doctor’s concept of the ideal woman, but never quite real to me. There was something unnatural about them. They didn’t exactly respond to stimulation, and Seven didn’t exactly see any reason why they should. Foreplay always seemed a little inefficient to her. Thankfully, the Doctor also dealt with the scratchy problem as well. 

Kathryn avoided my messages to some extent. She recovered from her accident and was out of hospital within a few days, going to convalesce at her mother’s. We saw her rarely. She made pleasant enough conversation when we did, and I noticed Seven watched us like a hawk. I began to miss our playful banter terribly. There was none of the gentle teasing our relationship so thrived on. I longed for time alone with my dearest friend, tried a number of times to arrange lunch or some other private rendezvous. She always had some excuse. I probably learned more about what was going on in Kathryn’s life from B’Elanna. 

She began dating. That didn’t particularly disturb me at first, until the same man started to appear on a regular basis and he seemed to have stuck around for several months. We saw them sometimes on the news files. His name was Robert Hartman. Damned good looking and a high ranking Starfleet Admiral to boot. I have to admit it now. I was jealous as hell. Seven was smug as a cat, and relaxed her guard a little. It was a relief to live with a woman less tightly coiled. 

Ten months went by and the first anniversary of Voyager’s return occurred. There was to be yet another ball. I could easily have given it a miss, but Seven rather enjoyed the dressing up and parading of ourselves in front of others. So we went. I wore my tux. She wore a long elegant dress, not dissimilar in form to her wedding dress, although there was no longer a need for quite such a high neckline. 

We arrived early enough and enjoyed conversing with all our old colleagues and some of their new friends. Kathryn arrived about an hour later, glowing happily on Robert’s arm. She was wearing a long silky red dress, sporting a rather daring amount of décolletage. Her creamy throat swept down to a smooth shapely chest, faintly speckled with charming freckles. She looked amazing. Spirits…if she had worn that dress a year ago at the Homecoming Ball instead of her dress uniform, I would have ravished her there and then, and I would never have ended up marrying Seven. I wondered if Kathryn had deliberately set out not to rock the boat at the time. 

We talked pleasantly as a group, discussed our recent activities and were introduced to Robert Hartman. He was a very handsome and charming man. I could see immediately why Kathryn was attracted to him. Moreover, he had the aura of a man in love. He looked absolutely besotted by his companion. Like the proverbial cat who had got the cream. 

They moved on, Robert steering Kathryn with a proprietorial hand on the small of her naked back. They talked to other people. After all, they weren’t just here to see us. All the old crew were eager to talk to their former Captain and be introduced to her new partner. My eyes drifted over to Kathryn several times. I couldn’t help myself. Sadly, she was forbidden fruit now. Out of my reach. 

We dined well, but there were no formal speeches this time. It was to be a much less formal occasion. Afterwards there was dancing, and mostly I danced with Seven. I did snatch a dance with Kathryn, and found myself tingling with youthful excitement as I held her in my arms. Her perfume rose in my nostrils, making me completely light-headed. Her soft breasts burned on my chest. For a few precious minutes, till Robert reclaimed her, I was in heaven. She asked me how I’d been. Was I happy? I mumbled something incoherent, but told her how much I’d missed her. 

At 22.00 hours there were fireworks. We all piled out into the gardens to watch. Here, there were wide open lawns with flood-lit fountains…it was a truly magical scene. The lights on the fountains and the ballroom behind our backs were dimmed, and we were treated to a spectacular display for at least fifteen minutes. We stood spell-bound as the colours and the music mingled, building to conclude in a magnificent finale. As the noise died away, the audience broke into spontaneous applause and the lights came back up. 

Kathryn did something that would have far-reaching consequences at that moment. She stepped up onto the stone ledge around the largest fountain and, surveying the crowd, raised her arms for silence. Despite the high level of intoxication of many, she got it. She has undeniably a commanding presence, even in an evening dress. She is also a little on the short side, so it is not surprising that she thought it necessary to raise herself head and shoulders above everyone else. 

She stood there, silhouetted rather dramatically by the lights on the fountain, animatedly thanking everyone for coming, and the organisers for arranging such an amazing evening and entertaining us with such an incredible firework display. She began to reminisce about a few notably amusing moments in the Delta Quadrant, and quickly had the listeners in stitches. Some light-hearted barracking swiftly ensued, which she took with graceful good humour. A few bolder ensigns had some comments to make about attractive Captains in provocative clothing. The journey through the Delta Quadrant could have been so much more interesting. 

They were probably rather drunk. And they simply wouldn’t have dared if she had still technically been their commanding officer. However, about four incredibly reckless crewmen near the front saw an opportunity and took it. There was a forward surge, and several pairs of hands reached out to push our estimable former Captain into the fountain. Kathryn shrieked in surprise, just before hitting the water with an enormous splash. As the remaining crowd held their breath, she found her feet and rose like a statue emerging from the knee-high water. Her hair had fallen from its careful moorings and was damply cascading around her neck. The water dripped from her crown, and she was brushing the water from her face with both hands. Her chest was heaving as she gasped for air and sought to regain her composure. The dress, twisted and sodden, clung tightly to her like a second skin. Suddenly, the beautiful feminine curves that sculpted this fine woman were all too apparent. A lump came to my throat, as I watched this incredible vision. 

Robert, full of concern, reached out to take her arm. She took his hand gratefully, lifted her skirts with her other hand and stepped up and over the basin wall. I saw her shiver and a couple of worried officials stepped forward to assist. They talked to her for a moment, and must have quickly offered a solution for she nodded her agreement. One tapped a communicator, issued some instructions and Kathryn vanished in a beam of light. 

The disbelief of the onlookers turned to laughter. Some restlessness washed in my direction, and suddenly I realised that I was the next potential target. There was a collective feeling that Kathryn shouldn’t suffer alone. Numerous pairs of hands grabbed me and propelled me towards the fountain. I tried to resist, protested vehemently, but in the end it proved futile. There were just too many of them. In no time at all, I found myself swung over the ledge, indecorously falling buttocks first into icy water, accompanied by a resounding cheer. The cold hit me like a thousand sharp needles. As I stood, I understood why Kathryn hadn’t had the strength to remonstrate afterwards. I shuffled to the edge, the water weighing down my shoes like a tonne of lead. Much of the crowd now turned speculatively towards Tuvok. For a moment he stared at them with a raised eye-brow, and then with a huge sigh they backed down, feeling that they’d pushed their luck too far already. This was one Vulcan too far. Besides, the dance music was striking up again from the hall. 

The same officials who had helped Kathryn, approached me and offered me the comfort of a Starfleet hospitality room with hot shower. Of course, I accepted. I was drenched and frozen. One tapped his communicator and ordered up transportation for me. Instantly, I found myself in a comfortably furnished lounge. 

I looked around, temporarily disorientated, as I surveyed Kathryn’s wet clothes strewn on the floor about my feet. I dropped my jacket on top of the heap. Distantly I heard her voice de-activate a shower. Then I sensed or heard movement behind me. Turning, I saw her striding through a doorway from a sleeping area, rubbing her wet hair with a white towel and completely naked. Her eyes widened and she stopped abruptly as she saw me. She quickly lowered the towel, grasping it beneath her chin and spreading it across her body. It was too fleeting for much to be committed to memory, but even so I could see the curvaceous outline of her hips and breasts. The towel wasn’t all that large. I stood there like a gaping idiot, in a pool of dripping water, but licked my lips in spite of myself. This was all too delicious. A familiar current flowed into my groin. 

Kathryn’s startled eyes darkened and she threw me a steely angry look. "I’m sorry," I apologised, still rather in shock myself. "I had no idea…" I stopped. It sounded rather lame. Somebody had made a dreadful cock-up. We shouldn’t both have been sent to the same room. If I hadn’t been married, if it had been several years earlier, I would have suspected the crew of engineering this in one of their misguided attempts to throw us together…or maybe caught a whiff of one of Tom Paris’s crazier pranks. 

She shifted a little uneasily, a gentle flush gracing her cheeks. My eyes swept the delightful curves again…what I could see of them. How could I resist? The smooth milky skin dotted with a few naughty freckles was just adorable. I caught my breath as it entered my consciousness that everything about Kathryn was just natural and feminine. Her eyes seemed to be challenging me, and the air suddenly crackled with sexual magnetism. We were both breathing heavily, and my growing arousal must have been evident to her. I reached my right hand forward and gingerly fingered the towel. I tugged gently, edging the towel down by a few precious inches. Kathryn locked her indignant eyes with mine and clasped it tighter to her body. 

"Please…let me…." I whispered softly. My hand, still grasping the obstructive towel, pulled again…this time persisting until the offending article floated slowly down her body, freeing itself from her clutches. I threw it unceremoniously on the floor behind me. Her eyes fluttered shyly downwards, and her arms still covered her chest. 

"G-d, Kathryn. You’re incredible…" I said sincerely. "Just perfect." A tiny smile played on her lips. She lifted her chin, meeting my gaze again, and spread her arms to her sides, revealing herself fully to me. She stood there glorious and unashamed, as my eyes drank in every last beautiful detail. When her nipples hardened just from the heat of my gaze, our fate was sealed. Wild horses couldn’t have stopped me from doing what I did next. I pulled her into my arms, heedless of my cold wet clothes, and assaulted her mouth with the all the hunger of a starved man. A ferocious passion gripped both of us. She quickly pushed the damp shirt from me. I just couldn’t get close enough to her. I wanted to crawl inside her. I couldn’t touch her or kiss her in enough places. And I could barely believe how powerfully her body responded to my touch. The moans that escaped her throat told me all I needed to know. The fire she stirred in me, wherever her hands and lips worked, set me alight. The blaze swept my entire body, consuming every inch, setting my nerves on edge. I could barely contain it. 

The preliminaries didn’t last long. We were both far too hungry. My clothes had quickly joined hers, and, as I pulled her back into my arms, she wrapped her legs around me. I carried her through into the bedroom and leapt onto the bed, cradling her beneath me. Before long, I was pumping into her beautiful body in long glorious strokes, relishing the tight velvet warmth which swallowed me eagerly. I felt the pressure build and the coil tighten. Then I heard her…there was no mistaking it. "I love you, Chakotay," she cried out in ecstasy, as she spasmed violently around me. I shrieked with joy, spilling my seed in the one and only place it was ever meant to be spilled…in the mysterious depths of Kathryn Janeway. As I poured the last of myself into her, I whispered my devotion to her. "I love you, Kathryn. I’ve always loved you. Only you." As we calmed, and the last of our strength ebbed away, I repeated my words over and over, clasping her head gently between my two hands, my fingers splayed in her hair. I punctuated my oration with kisses on her forehead and nose. 

Finally, she pushed me off, and I sensed her stiffen and turn away from me. "Kathryn, what’s wrong?" I asked anxiously. 

"We shouldn’t have done that." 

"What? How can you say that? We should have done it years ago." 

"Maybe. But it’s too late now. You’re a married man." 

"There’s no going back…it’s you I want to be with. You can’t tell me after what we just did that you don’t want to be with me." 

"No, I can’t. But I won’t be a marriage wrecker. It can’t happen again." 

"Don’t say that. I’ve just had the most exhilarating sex of my life. For the first time in ages I feel…alive! You can’t deny me the future." 

"I can and I must. I won’t do this to you." She got up, pulling the sheet with her and wrapping it round herself. "I think you’d better get dressed. Your wife will be waiting for you." 

"I’ll leave her." 

"I can’t let you do that!" 

"We aren’t happy. It’s you I love." 

"You chose her, Chakotay." 

"Big mistake." 

"Well, you’re a grown man. You have to learn to live with it." 

"You expect me to live a lie for the rest of my life. Pretend I love Seven, when I love you? You can’t make me do that!" I said desperately. "It isn’t fair on me, and it isn’t fair on Seven." 

She looked me squarely in the eyes. "Honourable men don’t break their promises," she said coldly, and there was a hint of sarcasm in her voice. I knew she wasn’t just thinking of my marriage vow. She was thinking even further back to a promise I once made to her…to stay always by her side. "Get yourself dressed. Do you want Seven to come up here and find us like this?" I swallowed. That didn’t bear imagination. 

"This discussion isn’t over!" I called, heading for the shower. 

I let the water scald me, almost in punishment. Reluctantly, I washed the essence of Kathryn off me. I couldn’t risk Seven’s sensory acuity picking it up. When I came out, Kathryn was dressed in a simple blouse and full skirt that she had replicated quickly, and she was brushing her hair dry. There was a stiff resolution prickling around her, and I sensed that there was not a lot of point in arguing with her right now. But there was no way now that I was going to let go of the dream again. I’d touched it now, lived it, swirled it round me like blanket of joy. I knew now what it was like to taste her…this woman I loved so much. To feel her lips move under mine, to bury myself deep within her and to propel her with me on a journey of pure ecstasy. It was a wondrous thing. No, there was no way I was going to give it up. I would have to fight for it. While there was breath left in my body, I would fight for it. 

I replicated myself some replacement clothes, and dressed in silence. I sensed her relax a little. As she straightened my bow tie with a sad smile, I spoke again. "Kathryn, I won’t give up on this. I love you." 

"Chakotay, listen to me. We’ve got to go down there and forget this ever happened." 

"No!" 

"We have to. I won’t come between you. I won’t be responsible for wrecking her life." 

"And what about _my_ life?" 

"You made a commitment to her. You’ve got to keep it." 

"I can’t live a lie for the rest of my life." 

"And I couldn’t live with the guilt." 

"Don’t do this to me." 

"I have to." 

"Do you love me?" 

She was silent for a moment. "Yes, but…" Her eyes began to fill with tears, and I squeezed her hand. 

"Then come away with me." 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"I can’t do this to her." 

"But you love me…" 

"You don’t understand, Chakotay. I love her too. Like a daughter. I wish to G-d this hadn’t happened." The words hung in the air, and sank sadly into my soul. I stepped back from her, letting her hand slip through my fingers. 

"What did she say to you…that day at the hospital?" I asked curiously. 

"She told me to stay away from you. That you were hers now." 

"She doesn’t own me!" I said outraged. "How dare she! How dare she decide whom I can and cannot see!" 

"She made me promise…never to be alone with you." 

"She had no right…" 

"Maybe she did. You are her husband and she is an incredibly jealous woman. Without the maturity to deal with it." Kathryn smiled sadly and lifted her eyes to mine. "Moreover, given what has happened tonight, she was perfectly right to be wary." She paused. "Get down there, Chakotay. Don’t spoil the rest of her evening." 

I nodded and stepped away, pausing at the door. "Kathryn, I beg to disagree with you. I cannot and will not think of tonight as a mistake. It was the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. I will never forget it, and I thank the spirits for such a wonderful gift. Don’t imagine for a moment that I will let this go." And I slipped through the door, away along the corridor and back to the ballroom. 

* * *

  


I found Seven, who was indeed rather anxious as to where I’d been and how long I’d been gone. It actually was easier than I thought to lie to her, but I was grateful for the darkness and the many distractions around us, without which she would certainly have been assessing the microscopic tell-tale signs of my treachery. She was soon mollified when I took her onto the dance floor. Kathryn appeared ten or fifteen minutes later, looking perfectly elegant and composed. She fell quickly into Robert’s arms and the dancing continued for a while. I looked discretely in her direction a number of times, carefully looking over Seven’s shoulder, so that she would not catch me. My eyes never met Kathryn’s. 

At midnight, there was a break in the music and to everyone’s surprise Robert Hartman leapt up onto the dais. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?" 

The couples dotted round the room ceased their chatter and looked towards him. 

"I have something of an announcement to make…which concerns one very special lady here. Kathryn, would you come up here a minute?" He held out a hand and assisted her up onto the stage. She was grinning, but looked mildly embarrassed at being the centre of attention. "As you know, we have been going out for three wonderful months now. So I thought this was just the perfect occasion to ask this lovely lady one very special question." He fumbled in his jacket and brought out a little jewel box. My heart was pumping furiously at the implication of his words. Goodness alone knows what Kathryn was feeling. He flipped open the box, but from the distance we couldn’t really see what was in it. "Kathryn Janeway," he smiled, gazing deeply into her eyes, "you mean the world to me. Will you marry me?" 

There was an expectant silence. Kathryn was hesitating and I saw her swallow. My heart went out to her. I could see the wheels turning agonisingly in her mind. Robert had no idea how appalling his timing was. "Well? Can you possibly resist such a handsome guy?" he persisted. 

She swallowed again. "Yes." 

" _Yes_ , you’ll marry me or _yes_ , you can resist me?" said Robert, laughing confidently. 

"Yes, I’ll marry you!" He swept her into a huge embrace and kissed her passionately as the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Seven looked delighted. 

"She said _yes_!" Robert shouted gleefully. "Ladies and gentlemen, she said _yes_!" The couple were surrounded by a group of well-wishers, hugging them and offering congratulations. My stomach dropped to my boots. I felt nauseous. 

He kissed her again. _Could he taste me on her lips? What would he say if he knew what she had just done? Was Kathryn doing this to punish me, or simply to send me a clear unambiguous message that she was not going to let what happened earlier ever occur again. How could she do this, when only an hour ago she told me she loved me? Did she want to marry him? Did any of this make sense?_

As the dancing started again, I had to make my escape. Seven’s eyes bored anxiously into my back as I rushed from the hall. I reached the men’s room, where the contents of my stomach emptied themselves into the toilet. 

Well, I’ve messed up my love life many times before. B’Elanna says I’ve got a true flair for it. But that night represented my lowest point ever. To have gone from such heights to such depths in so short a space of time, and to realise that I really only have myself to blame is truly nauseating. 

* * *

  


We went home, and Seven was in a foul mood. She accused me of being distraught over Kathryn’s engagement. Well, I was. It was pretty difficult to deny. My precipitous exit had confirmed it for her. 

Actually, we argued for weeks and our sex life was practically non-existent, but I wasn’t that bothered about it. Physical union with Seven didn't come close to my one time with Kathryn. I tried to see her a day or so later, showing up unannounced at her apartment, but Robert was there, and the whole thing was rather awkward and unproductive. She was ignoring all my messages, but there was nothing new in that. 

In the end, I engineered a pointless meeting with Admiral Paris to get into Starfleet HQ. I had a fairly affable meeting with the old man, and gate-crashed Kathryn’s office on the way out. For once, I had timed things right, and she was alone, apart from her administrative staff. I insisted on taking her somewhere private for a chat. We fetched some coffees and took them down to a quiet bench in the forum. 

She reaffirmed her decision not to allow a repeat performance of our activities eight nights earlier. I told her I loved her, and that I couldn’t accept that. And I couldn’t live a lie with Seven for the rest of my life. I also asked her why she had agreed to marry Robert. 

"I was put on the spot, Chakotay. It’s difficult for a woman to say anything else under that kind of pressure. Everybody was holding their breath for my answer. Could I have answered differently under the circumstances?" 

"Yes, if the answer wasn’t from the heart." 

"It was almost from the heart. It would have been if we hadn't..." Her voice trailed off. 

"Spirits, Kathryn...you'd told me you loved me little more an hour earlier." 

"I said it in the heat of the moment. I shouldn't have. You're not free to accept my love." 

"So you'll marry someone you don't love?" 

"I care about Robert. We're good together. I want something that's real, Chakotay. I want a husband and a home and…maybe I’m crazy at my age…but I even want a family. All the things that have eluded me all my life. The things I lost when we were hurled into the Delta Quadrant. Things you can’t give me. Robert and I have been trying for a baby. How can I turn my back on all this to be occasionally with a man married to somebody else?" 

"It wouldn’t have to be like that. I can give you all those things. I’ll leave Seven." 

"I won’t be the cause of the break-up of your marriage. I can’t do it, Chakotay. Don’t ask me. It’s all too sordid." 

"Kathryn, the only way I’ll ever be happy now is if I am with you." 

"You made your choice. A year ago. It nearly destroyed me to see the two of you together. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the ceremony. I cried every time I looked at those rings. And afterwards, I was just as keen to stay away from you both, as Seven was to keep it that way. It’s been a long and painful road. It’s taken me months to try and pull my life together. I can’t go back." 

"Kathryn, why didn’t you tell me?" 

"What?" 

"That you loved me." 

"Why did you never ask?" She paused and sighed. "All I wanted was your happiness. And Seven’s. I thought you had what you wanted. You never once gave me any indication otherwise." 

"Well, I’m not happy. Neither of us are. Far from it." 

"And, even if you had looked my way, I would never have accepted being your second choice. In my relationships I expect to have the whole of a man’s heart." 

"Yet you expect Robert to put up with being your second choice?" 

"He doesn't know. He need never know. That's the difference." 

I looked at her sadly. _How could she believe I think so little of her?_ "Kathryn, you wouldn’t have been my second choice. You do have my whole heart…" 

"No, I don’t." 

"Yes you do. You always did. Marrying Seven was a terrible mistake. Don’t you understand? I made a terrible mistake." 

She looked at me thoughtfully. "You have to learn to live with your mistakes. It's part of life, Chakotay." 

"Kathryn, please give us a chance. We’ve got to find a way out of this." 

She was silent for a long time. "I’m sorry, Chakotay," she said, standing resolutely to leave, her chin lifting in determination. "It is my final decision. It’s better if we don’t see each other again. Please stay away from me." The tears were already gathering in her eyes as she fled. Neither of us knew that the seed that would bring us back together had already been sown. 

* * *

  


The next few weeks were hell. Seven and I argued constantly, and she spent hours with the Doctor complaining about my inadequacies. He sided with her in everything…he thought butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Well, I suppose it was rather appropriate for me to be cast as the villain of the piece. I tried to contact Kathryn several times, but she managed to bar me from her office, her staff having been given orders to turn me away if I showed. Robert seemed always to be at her home whenever I tried there. She never let me in. I stood outside for quite a few miserable hours, knowing I’d messed up badly, knowing I’d no-one to blame but myself. More often, her place was empty, so she must have been spending more and more time round at his place. They didn’t seem to be setting a wedding date, so part of me hoped that she might come to her senses. 

Inevitably, Seven and I split up. I am relieved to say that she left me. I knew that Kathryn would accept things more readily this way round. Looking back, I can at least partly persuade myself that I tried hard to make it work, at least before that fateful ball. She ran straight into the Doctor’s consoling arms. Where that is going to lead I have no idea. Two days later, I received divorce documents. I was grateful that Kathryn wasn’t mentioned in them. She would have been mortified, if the media had gotten wind of our little liaison. As it was, I didn’t think Seven knew the whole of what had happened. It would take another month for the divorce to become finalised, but I began to hope that a change in my status might make a difference to Kathryn’s view of our relationship. 

Two weeks later, B’Elanna informed me that Kathryn was pregnant. I knew at once that my hopes were sunk. Kathryn would never leave Robert now. I probed B’Elanna for the exact date the baby was due…a desperate part of me was clinging on to the very faint hope that I might be the father, however unlikely I knew that to be. The possibility couldn't be entirely dismissed. I had no contraceptive implant. I had no need of it. Seven had no ovaries. 

B’Elanna didn’t know exactly when the baby was due, but she put two and two together and I had to endure a scathing tirade from a disgusted half-Klingon. 

Two further weeks, and I was free. The divorce came through and Seven slipped out of my life. I felt no regrets at her leaving. Only at having let her in my life in the first place. I can see now just how much she wore me down with her constant cataloguing of my failings as a lover and husband. 

Another couple of weeks passed. I tried to contact Kathryn to no avail. I moped about. I tried to keep myself busy at work. Then one Sunday afternoon, B’Elanna commed me. 

"Kathryn’s been here," she told me. "I thought you’d want to know, Chakotay…she’s split up with Robert." 

"Are you sure?" I asked, hopes surging again. 

"Yes. She didn’t want me to tell you. She’s a bit upset…but…I know how much this means to you." 

I thanked B’Elanna profusely, and flew over to Kathryn’s apartment. As I rang her chime, my heart was doing flip-flops. I was terrified she wouldn’t let me in, but she did. 

I stood in her lounge, studying her carefully. Her eyes looked strained…the last few days had taken their toll...but she looked glowing with health. There was a gentle swell in her belly and I smiled at her. Early enquiries about the baby were answered vaguely. I told her Seven and I were divorced, but she already knew. 

We sat on her sofa. I asked her about Robert. She told me he had left about a week before. 

"He left you????" I asked incredulously. "What kind of a man walks out on a woman expecting his baby?" 

She looked me firmly in the eye. "The kind that knows the baby isn’t his." 

"You mean?…" I asked excitedly. 

"It’s yours." I leapt across the room and took her in my arms. 

"Oh G-d, that’s just the most wonderful news…You’re sure?" 

"Yes," she laughed. "One hundred percent. I went to have a DNA check. I was suspicious and needed to know for sure. Not to the EMH, of course. I didn’t want Seven getting any wind of this." 

"Spirits…I’d hardly dared to hope. I thought the chances were too remote. We just did it once!" 

"The chances are higher than you think. Apparently, some people are just more compatible than others. My body was just a whole lot more receptive to yours than…well…" 

I laughed and kissed her on the temple. "Oh, Kathryn. You and I are just so compatible, we’re off the scale." 

"You’re pleased, then?" 

"I’m over the moon. This is just wonderful." And I kissed the mother of my baby. On the lips this time. She didn’t put up any resistance. Far from it. 

"You’re sure it’s mine?" 

"Absolutely. I’ll show you the test results, if you like." 

"How did Robert find out?" 

"I told him. You’re right, Chakotay. It isn’t possible to live a lie with someone you care about. To be honest, I went hoping it was Robert’s. I thought it would make things a whole lot less complicated. But it isn’t… and…well, now you’re here and we’re both free, I’m very glad it’s yours." I closed my eyes and thanked the spirits for such an amazing piece of good fortune. 

"Guess that night wasn’t such a mistake, after all." 

"Guess not." 

"Does this mean I can stay?" I asked eagerly. 

Her mouth twisted into a cute half-smile. "I might decide to keep you…if you behave yourself!" she said slyly. 

"What?" I asked anxiously. "Please tell me you don’t still mean no…sex?" The carnal side of Kathryn Janeway was fresh and exciting. I couldn't wait to sample the goods again. 

"No, I don’t mean no sex," she said, laughing at my enthusiasm. "I can be quite demanding in that department too, you know. I mean no staying the night. We’re going to have to be very discrete…the paparazzi are rarely far from me." 

"I can live with that…temporarily," I enthused. We spent a long time kissing. There was no hurry now to take this into the bedroom. We had all the time in the world. 

"You were going to tell me, weren’t you?" 

"Oh, yes. I just needed some time to pull myself together. Robert came back. Said he could forgive me. But I knew by then you’d split with Seven. He’s badly cut up, and I hated myself for doing it to him. I found dealing with him angry much easier." 

We spent hours making love. Beautiful tender love. Expressive and unrestrained. Just the way it should be. I felt I was floating in paradise. 

But Kathryn didn’t let me stay the night. She couldn’t bear the thought that our affair would be splashed all over the news in all its gory details, made to look sordid and dirty. At the moment the media had not even got wind of the pregnancy. She didn’t want to subject Seven and Robert to any of it either. So we plotted our escape. There was really no viable alternative. I was for leaving straight away, but Kathryn said she had things to tie up at work. She had taken next to no leave since our return and was owed the best part of eight years’ vacation. I would resign my teaching post and pack up my things. We agreed I would have to tell Seven about the baby at some time, but would leave it for the moment, unless we thought there was any danger of it leaking out. Otherwise, we would slip away quietly and lay low on Dorvan for a while. Good medical facilities would be available on DS9 if they were needed, and journalists weren’t welcome there, if any had the slightest notion of visiting such a remote planet. 

Before I left that night, I asked her to marry me. 

"Hell, no," she said. "I’ve had three disastrous engagements. Planned three weddings and not once made it to the altar. I’m not going through that again." 

"I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy," I told her, disappointed. "I rather think a man ought to marry the woman of his dreams and the mother of his child." 

She looked at me with some sympathy. "Fine, Chakotay. If we happen to pass some obscure wedding chapel on our way to Dorvan, and you just happen to drag me in there kicking and screaming, I’ll say the words and sign the deed. Just don’t involve me in any preparations!" It was the perfect answer, of course, and I left her apartment singing. 

Four days later, I beamed up to a transport station with one crate of belongings. We had kept apart since our last meeting and had agreed to arrive separately. She arrived about forty minutes later, with not much more luggage. Our eyes met over the sea of people, and we smiled our love at each other. Kathryn cast her eyes about, and spotted a couple of journalists with her practised eye. She tipped her head slightly in the direction of a couple of nonchalant looking men. I nodded my understanding. We booked separately on the transportation to DS9 and continued to avoid each other. She left for the departure gate and one of the men followed her. I left in completely the opposite direction, looking as if I was heading for Mars. The second man followed me, but I wasn’t in the Maquis for nothing. Having done a pretty good job of convincing the man of my destination, I lost him and doubled back to board the same ship as Kathryn. I met her in the lounge. She didn’t think the journalist had boarded the ship, but we would still have to be cautious. 

Several days later, we reached DS9 and arranged to spend one night there. In the evening, I dragged Kathryn in front of Major Kira and asked her to marry us…discretely of course. She was only too happy to oblige...it can be useful to have friends in high places...and Kathryn didn’t kick and scream once. Two bewildered aliens, who were quietly drinking in the bar and hadn’t the faintest idea of our identity, were drafted in to act as witnesses. The ceremony lasted less than ten minutes. The next day, we hired a shuttle and took ourselves to Dorvan. 

We’ve been here nearly ten months. Ten months filled with laughter, companionship and the most wonderful physical intimacy. Every day I have felt blessed. I have never felt happier in my entire life. I guess we’ll have to go back and face the music soon. I wonder if they had another anniversary ball. If they did, we’ve missed it. 

I’m sitting on the porch of our simple home as the sun lowers in the sky. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself this is real. I can’t believe my luck in escaping the nightmare of marriage to Seven and estrangement from Kathryn. Now I am totally in love with two incredible people, and it feels just perfect. 

I gaze adoringly into the dark pools of our son’s eyes. He is lying contentedly in my arms, gurgling softly. He is unmistakably my child. Robert would have known it instantly. I tell him I can see his mother walking up the path. Her eyes light up when she sees us and she smiles easily. This is the woman who has restored my self-belief, and reawoken my joy in the act of love itself. 

Her hands are dirty. She has been tending to her tomato plants and she has a few succulent red fruits in a bag. As she reaches us, she stoops to kiss both of us in turn. My fingers reach out to caress her face. These are the moments to treasure. The moments when you know the dream has become a reality. And, if you let them, they wrap around you like a blanket of joy. 

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the feedback I have received suggests that some of you think I have written a 'weak' Chakotay here. In my humble opinion, this is entirely canonical, and I do try to stick as close to canon as possible. He is quite simply an eejit in Endgame, and my story is an extension of this. I tend to like to write a strong Janeway, and, whenever Chakotay is an idiot, he eventually comes to his senses and realises just exactly what he has lost. In this story, I also wanted to portray his infatuation with Seven as lusting after something of an illusion, and that in time he would come to realise that the reality is very different. The titanium breasts were something of a poke of fun, and not necessarily intended to be the definitive portrayal of what I believe the Borg might really have done to her. Seven doesn't have them in any of my other stories! I also think that Chakotay is an honourable man, and that he would certainly give the marriage a go once it had taken place. I don't see this as weakness. It would, however, take something rather compelling for both Chakotay and Kathryn to act adulterously, but I hope that the situation I placed them in was powerful enough for them both to forget themselves for a while.


End file.
